For the mums learning to give her a little more space, while making sure she always knows we're right there.
♡ A note from Gemma
When our daughters are tiny, there are very few boundaries between their little world and ours.
We dress them. Bath them. Brush their hair. Take them to the toilet. Kiss grazed knees. Answer their questions. And somehow know almost everything that's happening in their lives.
And then, gradually, something begins to change.
The bathroom door closes.
She might not want to get changed in front of you anymore.
She may pull away from a hug she once would have happily given, or decide there are things she doesn't want to tell her friends.
And I think, as mums, there can be a tiny sting in those moments.
But perhaps instead of seeing that little bit of distance as her moving away from us, we can see it for what it really is.
Our daughters beginning to understand that their bodies belong to them.
That they're allowed privacy.
That they can decide what feels comfortable.
That they can say no.
And that having boundaries doesn't make them difficult, rude or unkind.
Our job changes too.
We move from making so many of those decisions for them to helping them find the confidence to make some of them for themselves.
And perhaps the most important thing we can give them as they do is the absolute certainty that however much independence they want, however many doors they begin to close ... ours will always be open.
So this Journal is about helping her find her boundaries, her confidence and her voice - while making sure she always knows she can use that voice with us. ♡
Boundaries begin long before the teenage years
We sometimes think of boundaries as something we need to teach our daughters when they're older.
In reality, the foundations are often laid much earlier.
They're in the six-year-old who doesn't want to kiss someone goodbye.
The eight-year-old who suddenly wants you to knock before entering the bathroom.
The ten-year-old who doesn't want her friends knowing that she's started wearing a bra.
And the teenager who doesn't want a photograph of herself posted online.
These moments can look completely different, but the message underneath them is remarkably similar:
I'm allowed to decide what feels comfortable for me.
Teaching our daughters to recognise and communicate their boundaries isn't about encouraging them to shut people out.
It's about helping them understand that kindness and boundaries can exist together.
She can be loving and say no.
She can be polite and ask for privacy.
She can be a wonderful friend and still keep something to herself.
She can change her mind.
And she never owes somebody access to her body, her private information or her digital life simply because saying no might feel awkward.
Her body belongs to her
One of the simplest places to begin is physical affection.
Many of us grew up with some version of "Go and give Grandma a kiss" or "Don't be rude, give them a cuddle."
Usually it came from a place of affection.
But allowing our daughters some choice over physical contact gives them an incredibly important message: you get a say in what happens to your body.
That doesn't mean abandoning manners.
"You don't have to give a hug if you don't want to … you can say goodbye, wave or give a high five instead" is a small distinction that gives her both kindness and autonomy.
And importantly, the rule applies to us too.
If she says she doesn't want tickling anymore, we stop.
If she doesn't want a cuddle at that moment, that's okay.
If she wants privacy while getting dressed, we respect it where it's safe and appropriate to do so.
Every time we show her that her no matters in the small things, we're helping her learn that it matters in the bigger things too.
Privacy is not the same as secrecy
As our daughters grow, it's natural for them to want parts of their lives to feel more private.
A diary.
A conversation with a friend.
Getting dressed.
Their changing body.
Perhaps even their first period.
We don't need to know every thought or every detail for them to know we're still there.
But there is also an important distinction to teach between privacy and unsafe secrets.
A surprise birthday present is something we keep quiet because it will eventually make somebody happy.
But if somebody asks her to keep something secret because she might get into trouble, because someone will be angry, or because she's frightened about what would happen if she told - she should know that she can always come to you.
And that she won't be in trouble for telling.
That reassurance is worth repeating, even when there doesn't appear to be any reason to say it.
When friends start asking personal questions
As children grow, curiosity about one another grows too.
"Have you started your period?"
"Do you wear a bra?"
"Who do you fancy?"
"Why haven't you got a phone yet?"
Sometimes these questions are completely innocent. But that doesn't mean our daughters have to answer them.
It can help enormously to give her a few sentences before she ever needs them:
"I'd rather not say."
"That's private."
"I don't really want to talk about that."
"Can we talk about something else?"
Small phrases, but powerful ones.
Because finding the words in the moment can be much harder than knowing them beforehand.
Digital boundaries matter too
Our daughters are growing up with a version of childhood that many of us never experienced.
Their friendships may eventually exist partly through phones, messages, games, social media and group chats, and that means boundaries need to travel online with them.
A digital boundary might mean asking before posting a photograph of someone else.
It might mean understanding that a private message can be screenshotted.
It can mean not sharing another girl's period, body changes, crush or personal news in a group chat.
It might mean feeling able to leave a group chat that makes her uncomfortable.
Or knowing that she doesn't have to reply immediately simply because somebody can see that she's online.
As they get older, conversations can include passwords, location sharing and who is allowed access to their accounts.
And there's another digital boundary that's particularly easy for us as parents to overlook:
Ours ♡
Before we post the funny photograph, the school achievement, the birthday picture - or a story about something personal happening in her life - we can begin asking:
"Are you happy for me to share this?"
For younger children, parents will of course still make many decisions for them. But as she grows, giving her an increasing say in her own digital footprint is another way of showing her that her boundaries deserve respect.
Boundaries in friendships
Being a good friend doesn't mean saying yes to everything.
She doesn't have to share a secret because somebody shared theirs.
She doesn't have to lend something she treasures.
She doesn't have to stay in a friendship conversation that feels cruel or uncomfortable.
And she doesn't have to accept behaviour that hurts her simply because the person doing it is her best friend.
Equally, learning boundaries means learning to respect other people's.
If a friend says "Please don't tell anyone," she shouldn't.
If somebody doesn't want to be photographed, she shouldn't photograph them.
If a friend needs space, that deserves respect too.
Boundaries aren't walls we put around ourselves.
At their healthiest, they're part of learning how to treat ourselves and other people well.
When her boundary is with you
This might be the hardest bit.
Because one day the person whose cuddle she doesn't want might be us.
The person who she asks to knock on the door before coming in might be us.
The question she doesn't want to answer might be ours.
And after years of being allowed into almost every corner of her little world, that can feel surprisingly personal.
But we can show her something enormously valuable in those moments.
We can respect her.
"Of course. I'll knock next time."
"That's okay, you don't have to tell me."
"If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here."
There will always be situations where parenting, safety or wellbeing means we can't simply step away. Respecting a child's boundaries doesn't mean removing parental oversight.
It means listening to what she's communicating and giving her age-appropriate privacy and autonomy wherever we reasonably can.
She needs boundaries - and she needs somewhere without them
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our daughters is the confidence to say:
No.
Stop.
I don't like that.
That's private.
Please don't share that.
I need some space.
But alongside all of those boundaries, I want our daughters to know something else too.
That there is one place they never need to worry about saying the wrong thing.
Home.
She can come to us after making a mistake.
After sending something she wishes she hadn't.
After falling out with a friend.
After saying yes when she wanted to say no.
After keeping something to herself for too long.
Even when she's embarrassed.
Even when she's frightened we'll be cross.
Even when she thinks she's messed everything up.
Because perhaps raising a daughter with strong boundaries isn't about making sure she always gets everything right.
It's about raising a girl who knows herself well enough to recognise when something doesn't feel right - and trusts us enough to tell us when it doesn't.
Her world will get bigger as she grows and our role in it will change.
But she should always know exactly where to find us. ♡
With love,
Gemma ♡
Founder, with you
Quietly ready, whenever she needs it. ♡
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