For the mums whose daughters are beginning to notice who is changing - and who isn't.
♡ A note from Gemma
There comes a point when our daughters start looking sideways.
Not because they're doing anything wrong, but because suddenly they become aware that everyone around them seems to be growing up at a slightly different pace.
One friend needs a bra. Another has started her period. Someone is suddenly much taller. Someone else still looks the same.
And before long, the questions can begin.
"Why haven't I?"
"Why have I?"
"Is that normal?"
"Am I behind?"
As mums, I think our instinct is to immediately reassure them. To tell them they're perfect exactly as they are and that everybody develops differently.
But when you're eight, nine, ten, eleven or twelve and all you really want is to feel like you fit in, that can be easier to hear than it is to believe.
So this Journal article is about helping our daughters step away from comparison and understand that growing up isn't a race.
There is no first place. There is no falling behind.
There is simply her body, following its own timeline. ♡
There comes a point when girls start noticing.
Not just the changes happening to their own bodies but the changes happening to everyone else’s too.
One friend suddenly seems taller.
Another has started wearing a bra.
Someone has spots for the first time.
Someone else has started her period.
And perhaps your daughter hasn’t.
Or maybe it’s the other way around.
Maybe she’s the one developing before everyone else, desperately wishing nobody would notice.
Puberty has a habit of arriving at different times for different girls. And while we know, as adults, that this is completely normal, when you’re nine, ten, eleven or twelve and standing beside your friends, being different can feel enormous.
“Why is everyone developing before me?”
Sometimes the question might come straight out.
“Why haven’t I got boobs yet?”
“Everyone else has started their period.”
“Am I ever going to grow?”
Other times, it might be hidden inside a joke, a throwaway comment or a sudden reluctance to get changed in front of friends.
Underneath it all is often a much bigger question:
Am I normal?
And perhaps even:
Do I still fit in?
Because at this age, our girls aren't only watching their bodies change. They're also working out where they belong.
There is no single puberty timetable
Puberty doesn't happen according to the school year.
Two girls sitting beside each other in the same classroom can be at completely different stages of development - and both can be developing normally.
One might have breast development and body hair but no period.
Another might still look very much like a little girl.
One might suddenly shoot upwards in height.
Another might develop spots, oilier hair or stronger body odour before any of the other changes become obvious.
And periods themselves don't arrive at one particular age either.
There is a wide range of normal when it comes to puberty and the different changes don't all happen at once or in exactly the same order for every girl.
That's something our daughters often need to hear more than once.
Being first can feel just as difficult as being last
We often think about the girl waiting for her body to catch up with her friends.
But being one of the first can be difficult too.
Imagine being the only girl in your friendship group wearing a bra.
The first to need deodorant.
The tallest.
The first to have noticeable body hair.
Or the first person who has to quietly put a period pad into her school bag.
Something completely normal can suddenly feel like something she wants desperately to hide.
A girl developing earlier than her friends might hunch her shoulders, choose baggier clothes or become uncomfortable with attention being drawn to her body.
Another girl might be desperate for the very changes her friend wishes she could make disappear.
Neither girl is doing puberty “better”.
They're simply at different points on the same journey.
Be careful with “early”, “late”, “ahead” and “behind”
It's surprisingly easy for adults to turn development into a comparison without meaning to.
“She's quite developed for her age.”
“I didn't start my period until I was 14.”
“You're much taller than all your friends now.”
“Hasn't Sophie started wearing a bra yet?”
These may seem like harmless observations.
But our daughters are listening.
And the more we talk about girls' bodies in relation to other girls' bodies, the easier it is for them to start believing there is somewhere they are supposed to be.
Instead, we can try to bring the focus back to her.
Your body doesn't need to look like your friend's body.
It doesn't need to change at the same time.
There isn't a race to grow up.
What to say when she compares herself
When she tells you everyone else has started their period, or that she's the only one wearing a bra, it can be tempting to immediately reassure:
“Don't worry about it.”
“You'll catch up.”
“That's silly, nobody cares.”
We mean well.
But to her, it might matter very much.
So before reassuring, acknowledge the feeling.
You could try:
“I can understand why you're noticing it when your friends' bodies are changing.”
Or:
“It must feel a bit uncomfortable being the first one when nobody else seems to be there yet.”
And then gently bring her back to what you want her to know:
“Everybody's body has its own timetable. Being earlier or later than your friends doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.”
Sometimes she doesn't need us to convince her that she shouldn't care. She just needs us to understand why she does.
Help her know what to say to friends, too
Girls can be incredibly kind to each other.
They can also be spectacularly direct. ♡
“Have you started your period yet?”
“Why do you wear a bra?”
“You've got hairy legs!”
Often there is no cruelty behind it at all … just curiosity and very little filter!
But that doesn't mean your daughter has to discuss her body if she doesn't want to.
It can help to give her a few simple responses:
“I don't really want to talk about that.”
“Everyone's different.”
“That's private.”
Or simply:
“Can we talk about something else?”
Knowing she's allowed to have boundaries around conversations about her body can give her a little more confidence when you're not there to step in.
Try not to make other girls the comparison either
This one is perhaps just as important.
If we're trying to teach our daughters not to compare themselves, we need to be careful about how we talk about other girls.
Comments about another child's weight, skin, breast development, body hair or whether she looks “grown up” can quietly reinforce the idea that girls' bodies are there to be noticed and compared.
A useful family rule might simply be: we don't comment on other people's bodies.
Not because bodies are embarrassing.
But because they belong to them.
When comparison creeps into changing rooms and sleepovers
Puberty can make situations that once felt completely ordinary suddenly feel different.
Getting changed after swimming.
Sharing a room at a sleepover.
PE changing rooms.
Trying on clothes with friends.
Your daughter may suddenly become more private, and that's okay.
She doesn't need to be told she's being silly or that “nobody is looking”.
Give her permission to protect her privacy in ways that feel comfortable, whether that's changing in a cubicle, wearing a longer top while getting changed or simply saying she'd rather have some space.
Confidence doesn't have to mean being comfortable showing her changing body.
It can also mean feeling confident enough to choose what she's comfortable with.
And if you're worried about her development...
There is a difference between comparing your daughter with her friends and noticing something about her development that genuinely concerns you.
Puberty has a broad normal range, but very early signs of puberty or development that seems unusually delayed are worth discussing with your GP.
You don't have to decide yourself whether something is “normal enough”.
If you're concerned, asking for medical advice is completely reasonable.
And importantly, try to have those conversations away from her where possible. We don't want a sensible health check to accidentally leave her believing there's something wrong with her body.
Her body isn't behind. Her friend's isn't ahead.
There will probably be many moments over the next few years when she looks sideways.
At the girl with clearer skin.
The girl with bigger breasts.
The girl who hasn't started her period.
The girl who has.
The taller girl.
The smaller girl.
The girl who seems completely comfortable with all of it.
We can't stop our daughters comparing themselves altogether.
But perhaps we can keep giving them somewhere to come back to.
A reminder that growing up isn't a competition.
That there isn't one correct way for a girl's body to look.
That she never owes anyone information about what's happening to hers.
And that the friends standing beside her are probably carrying some of the very same worries, even if they're worrying about completely different things.
She doesn't need to be growing at the same speed as her friends to be growing exactly as she should. ♡
With love,
Gemma ♡
Founder, with you
Quietly ready, whenever she needs it. ♡
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